Stolen Security & Identity

 By Pam Durham

      C.A.R.E. Director

We all, in our humanity, suffer from independence.  We want to do it ourselves.  That independence is played out in our lives by searching for security and identity (value).  Our independent searching leads us to look for it in people, power, position, fame, wealth, pleasure, etc.  We buy into Satan’s trap (lie) that these things will give us what we are looking for.  But what it does do is create a stronghold. ¹

The stronghold of abortion steals the value of us who have had an abortion.  Our identity is now wrapped up in the LIE they believed the abortion would solve.  Our security is now either in proving their abortion was the right choice, or in the belief that we deserve whatever life throws at us.  Whether or not we knew Jesus (or about Him) before our abortion, we are now caught in this trap.  That lie led us to FEAR, “It’s up to me to solve this.  What if we… (don't finish school, can't get a degree, get kicked out of my home, etc.).”  Now we have to prove our decision was the right one.  We make VOWS to do whatever it takes to make it the “right” decision.  We have to do this...my value is now at stake.  Or, if we believed we deserve negative things, we look to prove our lack of value.  We look for the bad situations, people, substances, etc. to bring us down.  We feel we don’t deserve better.  Our identity and security are tied to failure.  This creates a MINDSET; false justification. We know the method we are using is wrong, but we justify it because our value is tied to it now.  We are so deep in the deception that now we are RESISTANT TO THE TRUTH.  Anything that challenges our false identity and security we push back against.  We become defensive.  We do not want the truth to invade our illusion.

Even though we accept Christ as our Savior, ask for forgiveness--even believe we are forgiven--that stronghold may persist; hidden behind the lie we believed.  We are heaven bound, but not free from the bonds that bind up our heart.  We are still held back by the lies repressed in our hearts.

This is the battle C.A.R.E. (Confidential Abortion Recovery Experience) is fighting against.  C.A.R.E. is about setting captives free.  It breaks my heart to see Christians walking around wounded and in chains; believing they are fine.  But not just the Christians.  So many lost men and women believing these lies as well.  My calling is “to proclaim good news, bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim freedom for the captives and to release the prisoners from darkness; provide for those who grieve, bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair.”²

¹ 2 Corinthians 10:3-5³ For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ⁴ The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 

² Isaiah 61:1-3 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.  He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

Are You A Good Listener?

By Rayma Zugel
     Center Director

I have been told that I can be a good listener. Maybe that’s why almost every job I’ve ever had has involved being around, and listening to people.

When my husband and I were first married, he was struggling with some real “ghosts” in his life as a result of being a Vietnam Vet. At first he didn’t share anything with me, but as time went by, and I just sat quietly, he learned he could share with me some of those “ghosts” in his life, and that I wasn’t going to offer him advice. Oftentimes people don’t need anyone to give them advice or try to “fix” things, they just need someone to listen to them.

Part of the training we give all volunteers at Care Net is a section called: “Effective Communication”. Part of effectively communicating must be listening. We actually give a handout to our trainees that is entitled: “How Well Do You Listen?” and ask them to honestly fill it out and grade themselves after. Here is the handout for you to grade yourself:

Instructions: Rate yourself on how well you listen using the following scale from 1 to 5.

1 = Never            2 = Seldom          3 = Sometimes       4 = Usually          5 = Always

After you rate yourself, total your score to determine how well you listen.

                 I allow speakers to complete their own thoughts and sentences.

                 I make sure that I have understood the speaker’s point of view before I answer.

                 I listen for the important points and for clues about the speaker’s feelings.

                 I listen without interrupting.

                 I am in control, relaxed, and calm when I listen.

                 I selectively listen, filtering out the messages that are not important to the situation.

                 I use listening noises to let the speaker know I am listening, such as “yes” and “I see”.

                 I keep my emotions from getting the better of me when I listen.

                 I keep my mind from wandering. Instead of thinking what I will say next, I really listen to and concentrate on what the speaker says.

                 I listen even when the speaker or the subject is uninteresting to me.

                 Total Score

38 to 50 = Excellent Listener   26 to 37 = Good Listener   13 to 25 = Fair Listener   0 to 12 = Poor Listener

(Taken from Care Net National’s Compassion, Hope, & Help Trainer Guide)

Here are some steps to help improve your listening skills.

• A good listener is attentive. They make good eye contact, don’t interrupt what the other person is saying and show an interest in what is being communicated.
• A good listener does not look over the shoulder of the person that’s speaking, waiting for someone more interesting to come along.
• A good listener does not check their phone, tablet, or watch in the middle of a conversation, when someone is sharing with them.
• A good listener is not waiting for their chance to get a word in.
• A good listener uses positive body language; leaning forward and showing an enthusiastic, relaxed nature. They don’t fidget, cross arms, look elsewhere or express inappropriate shock or disbelief at what’s shared.
• A good listener does not hurry somebody, but asks good questions to guide the sharing.
• A good listener does not approach a conversation with prejudice, expecting to know what’s going to come out of the speaker’s lips. They don’t listen with a pre-formed opinion but attempt to have an open mind to what’s being communicated. It’s amazing how much time is wasted with the belief that people understand what someone means without taking the effort and time to listen.
• A good listener cares. They show empathy for what the other person has to say. It’s genuine, authentic and comes from a place of truthful concern, even if you don’t necessarily agree with what they are saying.
• A good listener identifies areas of agreement with the speaker while avoiding the cliché statement: “I know exactly how you feel.” Because you don’t. It ends up sounding insensitive, trite or self-centered. Every situation is different.
• A good listener knows how to treat what is shared with confidentiality. They are trustworthy and sensitive with information and never look to use anything that is shared for any purpose other than good.

Remember that listening is an action word, and though you don’t have to do anything active, just being there with an open ear, a gentle shoulder to lean on, a hug (if appropriate) can mean everything to someone who has something they need/want to talk about.

So, how well do you listen? Maybe you would like to find out more about what we share with our volunteers in training. If you’re interested, it’s never too early to start listening to what the Holy Spirit is telling you. You never know what kind of a difference you could make in someone’s life just by listening to them.

Who Are You? Really?

By Willow Sanders
      Director of Student Services

Character is who you are when no one is looking.

This quote has always been a foundational brick for me.

If Character is who you are when no one is looking…

Integrity, for sure, is who you are when everyone is.

I was really struck by this as I watched T.C. Stallings lead a workshop on being uncompromised in an industry that is all about the word.

It got me thinking of how easily our character can lead us to places of compromise. Places we swear on paper we’d never be led to. No. Matter. What.

The thing is we usually put those as the BIG things on our ‘No-No’ list and completely forget that tons of tiny bits make up a road. And when you hit a pothole, it was because the little parts, collectively laid, gave way together in their formed state.

T.C. shared that he found when he stayed true to the base things he knew to be true about his faith, about God’s Word and about the world, it was much easier to be uncompromised.

It can seem like such a daunting task, right?

You mean I have to watch my life THAT carefully?!

Well, let’s unpack that.

How well made do you want the road that you walk on to be? How structurally sound do you need it to be?

If we only have a character that suits us for the moment but not the integrity to walk it out, major problems can arise. Life has enough of those already, why add to the heap?!

We’ve all seen those roads that are haphazardly patched-frustrating to say the least. Like, just fixed enough to be functional.

Our desire shouldn’t be for our life to be ‘just functional enough’ but rather we should be developing a firm foundation from which we can boldly drive toward the things that will strengthen, equip, guide, and empower us.

Here are a few simple steps to pave the way:

1.    Assess who you are

What character traits do you hold valuable? Who in your life can you look to that possess those qualities? Read up on the topic.

2.     Recognize your surroundings

It can be really hard to hold true to a certain character trait if you are spending the majority of your time with people or things that don’t mimic that. Make sure you have people who believe in and walk out accountability.

     3.     Adjust your course when necessary

If you see that your character (who you say you are or who you believe you are) isn’t matching what you are walking out in small and large ways, then it may be time to do some self-evaluating. This is the time for our walk to match our talk. Not always easy, but always a growing experience!

When we can take steps to connect our character with our integrity we are on the right road to success!