Are You A Good Listener?

By Rayma Zugel
     Center Director

I have been told that I can be a good listener. Maybe that’s why almost every job I’ve ever had has involved being around, and listening to people.

When my husband and I were first married, he was struggling with some real “ghosts” in his life as a result of being a Vietnam Vet. At first he didn’t share anything with me, but as time went by, and I just sat quietly, he learned he could share with me some of those “ghosts” in his life, and that I wasn’t going to offer him advice. Oftentimes people don’t need anyone to give them advice or try to “fix” things, they just need someone to listen to them.

Part of the training we give all volunteers at Care Net is a section called: “Effective Communication”. Part of effectively communicating must be listening. We actually give a handout to our trainees that is entitled: “How Well Do You Listen?” and ask them to honestly fill it out and grade themselves after. Here is the handout for you to grade yourself:

Instructions: Rate yourself on how well you listen using the following scale from 1 to 5.

1 = Never            2 = Seldom          3 = Sometimes       4 = Usually          5 = Always

After you rate yourself, total your score to determine how well you listen.

                 I allow speakers to complete their own thoughts and sentences.

                 I make sure that I have understood the speaker’s point of view before I answer.

                 I listen for the important points and for clues about the speaker’s feelings.

                 I listen without interrupting.

                 I am in control, relaxed, and calm when I listen.

                 I selectively listen, filtering out the messages that are not important to the situation.

                 I use listening noises to let the speaker know I am listening, such as “yes” and “I see”.

                 I keep my emotions from getting the better of me when I listen.

                 I keep my mind from wandering. Instead of thinking what I will say next, I really listen to and concentrate on what the speaker says.

                 I listen even when the speaker or the subject is uninteresting to me.

                 Total Score

38 to 50 = Excellent Listener   26 to 37 = Good Listener   13 to 25 = Fair Listener   0 to 12 = Poor Listener

(Taken from Care Net National’s Compassion, Hope, & Help Trainer Guide)

Here are some steps to help improve your listening skills.

• A good listener is attentive. They make good eye contact, don’t interrupt what the other person is saying and show an interest in what is being communicated.
• A good listener does not look over the shoulder of the person that’s speaking, waiting for someone more interesting to come along.
• A good listener does not check their phone, tablet, or watch in the middle of a conversation, when someone is sharing with them.
• A good listener is not waiting for their chance to get a word in.
• A good listener uses positive body language; leaning forward and showing an enthusiastic, relaxed nature. They don’t fidget, cross arms, look elsewhere or express inappropriate shock or disbelief at what’s shared.
• A good listener does not hurry somebody, but asks good questions to guide the sharing.
• A good listener does not approach a conversation with prejudice, expecting to know what’s going to come out of the speaker’s lips. They don’t listen with a pre-formed opinion but attempt to have an open mind to what’s being communicated. It’s amazing how much time is wasted with the belief that people understand what someone means without taking the effort and time to listen.
• A good listener cares. They show empathy for what the other person has to say. It’s genuine, authentic and comes from a place of truthful concern, even if you don’t necessarily agree with what they are saying.
• A good listener identifies areas of agreement with the speaker while avoiding the cliché statement: “I know exactly how you feel.” Because you don’t. It ends up sounding insensitive, trite or self-centered. Every situation is different.
• A good listener knows how to treat what is shared with confidentiality. They are trustworthy and sensitive with information and never look to use anything that is shared for any purpose other than good.

Remember that listening is an action word, and though you don’t have to do anything active, just being there with an open ear, a gentle shoulder to lean on, a hug (if appropriate) can mean everything to someone who has something they need/want to talk about.

So, how well do you listen? Maybe you would like to find out more about what we share with our volunteers in training. If you’re interested, it’s never too early to start listening to what the Holy Spirit is telling you. You never know what kind of a difference you could make in someone’s life just by listening to them.