The Consequence of Courage

By Kevin Pierce, Director of Men's Services

Consequence - The result or effect of an action; importance or relevance.

Courage - Mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty; doing the best thing in the face of difficulty, pain, grief, or the unknown.

In our media driven culture, it can be confusing to understand what courage looks like, and which things are of great importance.  I remember watching a movie and a family member wanted to know who the hero was.  I thought for a minute, and had to admit that there was no hero.  There were no good guys.  There were no truly courageous people.  All of the results were bad.

Truly courageous people just do the right thing.  Often, they are not sure of the result.  They may or may not know the consequence of their choice.  We may not even know their names.  They may not even think about courage as they act.   A newly divorced Mom moves her three children to a new state, to make a new life. (My mom.)  How many of us can name, without looking it up, the first responders who rushed into the World Trade Center towers on 9/11/2001?  Theirs was not the courage of a character in a movie.  Theirs was a courage, born of character, to do the right thing in a moment of crisis.

Most of the men who come to Care Net are men in a moment of crisis.  The crisis is that of a partner who is unexpectedly pregnant, a consequence of the decision the two of them made.  In nearly every case, he recognizes that there is a new life in her womb.  He sees the Mom, and recognizes that he has an innate responsibility to care for her.  Here is where courage comes in.

First, he must decide if he will view himself as a father.  He may not know how to be that.  He may fear the response from others.  He may see himself as unable to provide.  He may see the massive responsibility of a father.  He may not have the ideal kind of relationship with his partner.  His first courageous decision is to accept who he has now become.

Next, courage will be needed, as he admits his role in the life of his partner and child.  She will desperately need him to care for and support her.  In fact, his response is critical in her decision about the pregnancy.  His unborn child will require him to make changes to his life almost immediately.  Courage will demand decisions from him that will impact the rest of life, not just the weekend.  Courage is what will motivate him to get answers to questions he does not even know to ask yet.  It is what will cause him to mature.  It is what will force him to get help from people, and be humble enough to recognize his own needs.  Courage is what will aid him in saying, not “whatever you want to do,” but, “I will walk with you, as we care for this new life, whatever may come.”

At Care Net, I have had the opportunity to see men make courageous choices.  They spoke openly about the fear of failure, and of confusion.  Nevertheless, they made the choice to be what they now were- a father.  I have watched them fight for their relationship with mom, loving her no matter her response.  I have seen them overcome their own failures, to get what they need to be good fathers.  I have even watched men co-parent their children, with mothers who wanted no relationship with them.  They were courageous to serve and honor her, because of their child’s welfare.

There are consequences to these courageous choices.  And, the choices are of great consequence.  Pregnancies will fail half as often, when Dad courageously steps up.  In most cases, the children will score higher on tests, handle conflict better, and will be more successful overall.  They will be far less likely to live in poverty, far less likely to use drugs, and far less likely to make the same choices about sex that their father made.  More than this, they will be far more likely to make a positive impact on the world and culture.  What greater consequence for a man could there be, than to raise a child that does this?  What act of courage could be of greater consequence than a man giving up and investing his own life in order to make the life of his child and their mother better?

A star on a sidewalk cannot measure the consequence of this courage.  It cannot be measured by a name on a memorial.  It is measured by the legacy of impact on generations.  This kind of courage is of great consequence.